I use bad language sometimes……

…….and when I’m feeling the worst of the worst……when the TTC struggle has got to me and more than I can bear…..I’m hateful. ¬†I’m bitter. ¬†I’m spiteful , and I say things that are just horrible, but that I don’t REALLY mean. ¬†I give in to the Dark Side of The Force. ¬†(Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.)

But I do it…..and I admit it and I acknowledge that it’s not the most mature or kind approach. I do and it’s not but…….I can’t really help it. ¬†It’s the only way I can get the poison out. ¬†The poison being the sadness, the fear, the depression, and the feeling like it’s a lost cause. ¬†I say it’s poison because most days, it feels like it’s killing me.

It’s a little but not really but maybe a tad like (from personal accounts I’ve read) having Tourette’s Syndrome of the heartbroken soul. ¬†The desperate NEED to say or do something and the inability to stop it.¬†¬†I read once a story about a little girl who, when feeling overwhelmed, felt she HAD to make what she called “bullfrog faces”: ¬†eyes and mouth wide open, over and over. ¬†She’d get overwhelmed, the feeling would build, she’d be in public so would hold it in, barely…….then when she could find a “safe” place to do it (ie in private), she’d just let loose……until the need was satisfied.¬† Just bullfrog over and over…..until the need passed.

I’m like that, only with my nastiness. ¬†I generally do not let Mean and Nasty Kristi out to play, except around people I trust implicitly (sometimes she escapes though not too often and then it’s like trying to heard wet, angry cats). ¬†Because they know I don’t mean what I say, and they understand that, while it’s awful, I HAVE to say it. ¬†The longer I go without letting off the extra pressure, in a manner of speaking, the worse it is when it comes out.¬† Like a pressure cooker with a poorly fitted lid and¬†faulty pressure gauge.¬†¬†Trust me…..it’s a mess.¬† Helping your grandmother scrape pressure¬†cooked green beans off the ceiling makes an impression on you.

I have yet, in my 43 years, found a way to channel it in more constructive ways.  Nothing is as satisfying as a vitriolic raging rant.  With obscenities. Not just mildly profane but reeeeaaaaalllllly offensive ones.

On the blog, I get pissy……and I use language that is…..well, colourful to offensive. ¬†I actually can maintain a professional and dignified persona IRL, but my blog? ¬†An outlet. ¬†A sounding board. ¬†A whipping boy. ¬†A cone of silence, without the silence. ¬†?? ¬†I don’t think I’m making sense (I’m hot, thirsty, and I need a bath. ¬†That’s enough to make me scatterbrained.)

So I apologise if my language is abrasive. ¬†If the use off the f word is offensive. ¬†Please forgive. ¬†But sometimes other words will not do. ¬†Long term infertility is a bloody hard road. ¬†Some whinging is just inevitable. ¬†ūüėČ


2 thoughts on “I use bad language sometimes……

  1. I ordinarily fire off profanities when upset myself but my blog began in part as a way to memorialize everything I did and felt trying to have another child after we had our truly miraculous first. I thought I would let him read it all or what he wanted to of it when older so he knew how hard we tried to give him a sibling, a playmate. And there was also the hope that if ever we were so lucky I would give it to our second to ensure he or she knew how wanted loved and long struggled for she or he was. As a result I’ve tried hard not to curse there but I always appreciate the rawness and release that letting loose poison through naughty words can bring on others’ blogs. No judgment or offence here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I started the blog with the intention of documenting the donor egg process, and timeline of sorts. I thought I could show our kids one day what we had to go through to make them, how much we wanted them. Of course that’s when I had such high hopes, when donor eggs were “a sure thing”. Back when it was just my old ass eggs that were the problem. Of course now we know there’s more to the story than just age of eggs. I no longer have plans to show any of this to my children. Right now because I don’t think I’ll ever have any. I’ve lost faith……in myself, in the process, in God…..

      So I just let loose. I need somewhere to direct it. Might as well be here.

      Liked by 1 person

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