These are a few of my TTC things

Technically, My Favourite Things isn’t a carol.  But it seems to be on the holiday music loops in the shops, and never any other time of year, so……it’s getting a make over, Hopeful Hearts style!

The fourth single from the Grammy deserving album, Infertile Carols:

My TTC Things (My Favourite Things)

Blood tests and ultrasounds, having injections

Hoping I don’t get some kind of infection

Stock up on Tampax and Always (with wings)

These are a few of my TTC things

Appointments and schedules all ruled by the calendar

Moodiness and night sweats, memory like a colander

Babies in strollers tug at my heart strings

These are a few of my TTC things

Excess and co-pays, insurance premiums

Progesterone and oestrogen, Crinone, Endometrin

Sudden hot flushes and horrid mood swings

These are a few of my TTC things

When my period’s late, and I think what if?

I start feeling hope

Then later my undies are ruined again

And I feel like such a dope!

Waiting and praying and wishing like crazy

Hoping my donors ovaries aren’t too lazy

Not leaving the house until that damn phone rings

These are a few of my TTC things

Deep breathing, meditation, positive visualising

Wrestling with grief that is life paralysing

When will my baby get to hear me sing?

These are a few of my TTC things

Destressing, detoxing, should clean up my eating

Gained weight last cycle, esteem took a beating

I can’t fit into my favourite black jeans

These are a few of my TTC things

When it finally comes……and I’m finally Mum

Oh, I will be so glaaaaaaad

But then I remember it all has to work

And I go back to feeling soooooooo baaaaaaad

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Third single released from chart topping album

I clearly missed my calling.  I mean, this much talentWasted.  If my previous employer knew what a bottomless well of creativity they were getting rid of, that retrenchment just might not have happened.

C’est la vie.  Moving on.  Australia’s Got Talent, here I come.

TTC (Jingle Bells)

 Peeing on a stick

In the loo at 6am

Waiting for results

And it’s negative once again

Throw self in the floor

And start sobbing like a child

Why do I even bother trying?

Man, this ride is wild!

Oh, TTC, TTC

What you do to me

What Hell it is to try and fail

It’s making me cra-zy!

Oh!  TTC, TTC

Why are you so mean?

I cannot stop, I must go on

Damned infertility!

Another month has gone

Can’t take another fail

Another friend is pregnant now

I’m ready to spit nails

She just went off the pill

They’ve barely even tried

Now she gets what I’ve wanted

So I cannot help but cry

Oh, TTC, TTC

Why can’t it be me?

I’m doing everything I can

I wish I could break free

Oh!  TTC, TTC

Hey this stuff ain’t cheap!

Emotional wreck, just what the heck

I’m broke financially

Oh, look another year

Has just gone screaming past

Another year without a child

Midlife’s approaching fast

I don’t know what I’ll do

If I never have a child

Can’t even live it up because

The bankruptcy’s been filed

Oh, TTC, TTC

It never worked for us

Needles, shots and tablets

Never once got up duff

Oh!  TTC, TTC

It makes me want to scream

We’re broke, we’re old, we’re childless

But I guess we’re still a team

I have kids…..

…..but they only exist in my head.

I know.  Pathetic, isn’t it?  A 43 year old woman, goes to sleep at night thinking about ‘what happened that day’, with the kids that she hasn’t really got?

This is not the same as playing make believe, though.  Like, I don’t “play house” or pretend they’re there when nobody is around.  I am fully aware that it is only in my head, and I don’t see or hear them outside of that small space.  I’m not seeing voices or having schizo episodes.  I do have some kind of mood disorder, but I don’t think I’m categorically insane.  (Opinions vary, and the jury is still deliberating that…..)

I have started to do what I call feathering my nest.  As in acquire things for what would be the nursery.  Recent bargain finds include a glider rocker and foot rest in exactly the style I wanted and in excellent condition ($100), I have a barnyard theme layette set with everything; there are a few very small imperfections due to use, but hard to find ($100).  A Steelcraft highchair that looks to have NEVER been used even once (not a mark on it anywhere!) ($100).  A pristine jungle animal bouncy seat with toy bar ($20).  Deals just too good to pass up.

I go in that would be nursery and sit in the glider, close my eyes and rock and try to imagine rocking my baby to sleep.  If I fold my arms the right way, I can juuuuuuuuuust about convince myself for about two seconds…….

I would play with baby dolls in there, if I could find one like the kind we had when I was a kid.  You know, plastic heads with “real” hair and blinking eyes, half plastic/half stuffed fabric arms and legs but a squishy body perfect for cuddling?  yeah……they don’t seem to make those kinds of baby dolls now.  They’re all plastic, hard bodies and quite small, not realistic size.  Not very cuddly.  Not very satisfying.

Once again, I know……I know……a grown woman who would stoop to playing with baby dolls on her own accord.  But I would.  I always liked baby dolls.  I was ready for motherhood at quite an early age.  Maturity lacking, I was ready to take it on at 12, 13.  Easily.  I’m probably the only person I know who (when she’s able to be around babies) breaks her neck to change a shitty nappy!  Seriously…….no nappy blow out is too big to make me change my mind!   Show me the baby shit!

Anyway.  (Sorry, I get off track sometimes.)  In my head I have kids.  I have a boy and 2 girls.  I can’t actually envision them (aesthetically) clearly.  That part is very blurry.  But, here’s the thing.  They aren’t static figments of my imagination.  They’re not constant.   They actually grow, evolve, as people.  I don’t plan out what they did or said.  It just comes to me.  It’s like somewhere in my mind lives a person writing a screen play, except there are no edits.  Whatever they did or said?  It’s like real life, as in no do overs.  We deal with it, and move on.  Every night it picks up where the night before left off.  It’s like a soap opera with a rolling storyline.  My night time imaginings of that days events is different every day.  They grow and change, go through stages, get older and meet various milestones.  They have friends.  They have people they don’t like, people that don’t like them.  They have their strengths and weaknesses.  Their gifts and talents.  They are each their own person, with their own quirks and personalities, just like any kid.  Don’t get me wrong.  They’re not perfect.  I am not envisioning motherhood through rose-tinted glasses!  I mean, I “deal with” temper tantrums, PMS, attitude problems, notes from the teacher about talking in class, lying, smart mouths, and sibling rivalry.  They makes messes, they get into mischief, and can cause untold chaos if left to their own devices.  But, I also get lots of cuddles and I love you mums, weird and wonderful works of art to display on the fridge, the odd dandelion brought to me (head only, no stem, so I have to float it in a bowl of water!) as a gesture of love.  I’m under no illusion that parenting is easy, or always delightful.  I know the real deal.  Parenting will be hard.  The hardest thing I will ever do.  It will be infuriating, frustrating, tiresome, at times loathsome.  But it will also be the most rewarding, joyful, pride-building thing too.  For every up there is a down and vice versa.

But they’re not real.  They exist only in my head.  I have no idea how they came about, but it’s been going on for a while now.  It started when I was working in the city during the week.  I had nothing in the way of a life once I left work each night.  I’d go to the house where I was renting a room, catch up with my housemate, retire for the night, go to sleep.  One night, I realised that I had daydream/imaginary kids!  So I just……went with it.  It became my night time ritual.  My bedtime story, I guess.  I’d go to bed, spin that days episode, drift off to sleep.

(Typing it out, I wonder if maybe I’m not insane after all!)

But, I reckon it’s born primarily of my deep deep DEEP desire for motherhood, and so, until the kids are actually here……in the flesh……making messes, driving me crazy and making my heart explode in my chest with so much love for them, I have to make do with the ones that live only in my head.  I like to think I’m rehearsing, if you will.  Sharpening my mothering skills in theory, if not practical.  Sort of a……role playing exercise.

Why not?  Role playing exercises are used now in everything from job interviews to workshops for teamwork skills assessments.  Why not desired and hopefully impending motherhood?  🙂

2 Pink Lines: Another Infertile Carol

Well, since the last one went over so well on Instagram (hey, I made a few people laugh, and if you know anything about the game of TTC, you know any chance to get the giggles going is a chance you don’t pass up!), I decided to try my hand at another one, see if I can’t go gold or platinum.  (I just know Capitol Records is going to come calling any day.)  (Capitol is still in business…..right?)

I “penned” (came up with it while driving home Continue reading